I’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting lately and with that comes a lot of self realization. Realizations that I have neglected myself in ways I shouldn’t have, allowed others to neglect me in ways they shouldn’t, and could’ve taken more initiative to be more in control of my life and my happiness. With this I now have to decide what is an appropriate way to proceed. Forget about what could’ve been done and focus on what I should be doing. Make a plan, set a goal, act on it. Explore your options. Don’t limit yourself. There’s a big world out there don’t back yourself up into a corner. My plan: not to let the people who don’t support my passions and hobbies bring me down, not to spend all my time obsessing and stressing over people who don’t care about me when there are so many others who do, and to do my best to let go of the fear. Fear does nothing but hold us back. Fear is the enemy. Fear was once the death of my spirit and my soul. Everyone gets hurt, it happens, its normal. The things and people who hurt us were something we wanted at one point or we would’ve never pursued it in the first place. No regrets. Most importantly no regrets. We are who we are because of the choices we’ve made and the hurt we’ve suffered. Appreciate it, learn from it, and grow from it.
Everyone says you are a good person, good friend, good girlfriend. You know it yourself but there are times it’s very difficult to understand why so many bad things can happen to such a good person. You feel if you’re such a good person as people say you are then why did so many people walk away from you. You appreciate it though because it’s made you a stronger person. It’s helped you stand on your own two feet and realize that the best person to take care of you, is you. But still, you cant help but wonder why the people you supported most chose to look the other way. At the end of the day, you yourself are the number one person who has to acknowledge the situation, understand it, and work to solve it. To those who have stuck by my side, thank you, you have no idea how appreciated you are.
How did we ever get to where we are? When did we become such different people? I hope you know that no matter what happens, no matter how much distance is between us, and no matter how many missed outings there are I will always love you. I know at some point we decided to travel down two different paths and those different paths caused a rift between us. I know the things I enjoy doing and the people I enjoy being out with you cant be bothered with and thats ok. I know the things you like to do just arent enough for me in life. I crave more, you dont and thats ok. I no longer wish to push for us to hang out, for us to get along, for us to be closer. It will happen on its own in due time. As long as you can remember when we argue and dont speak like we tend to do that I love you and I will always be here for you.
You made somebody your world, trusted them with every bit of you. Put their needs before yours and gave them everything they wanted even if it meant sacrificing what you wanted. For it all to be over one day. To one day find out that this person you made your world screwed you over every way possible. Played you to look like a fool and used up every bit of your energy and caring heart for as long as they did. You tell yourself you will never do this to yourself ever again. Then you meet someone who makes all the those thoughts and feelings disappear. Someone who helped you feel again, someone who helped you truly see what it means to be loved. Do you punish them for the mistakes of another? Do you not give all of your heart because of fear? Do you let it all go and put yourself in the same position again? Love. A complicated and yet amazing feeling to experience. What’s the best way to be? Without regret and give it your all. When it’s all said and done you can say you did your best.
On Sunday, my mother, my sister, and myself took apart my entire room to put down new carpet. This was a bonding experience for the three of us since we rarely ever do anything together. In the hours the three of us were in that room together I realized many things about my family. I realized how none of us have anything in common. Despite having nothing in common there is no support there. I also realized that no one knows how to communicate in my house. Every time we needed to say something to each other none of us had the patience to even wait for the other person to finish, we talked over each other and were yelling at each other 90% of the time. I also realized that the entire time I was in the room with my mom and sister they took every opportunity to rag on every aspect of my life from my career, to my hobbies, to my friends. With all this I came to realize that no one will live my life for me but me. No one will get up at 6 AM everyday to go to work but me, no one will go to crossfit or yoga for me, and if these are what make me happy I cant really allow myself to be concerned with their opinions, even if they are my family. I love them, I always will, we dont choose our families but we do choose the paths we travel and we have to do what is best for us. Our family will still be our family at the end of the day.
I am a closed person, always have been, I dont even think I know what it’s like to be fully open with myself. I always shut my mind down to things that hurt me or upset me because thats how I learned to deal. Or so I thought I was shutting my mind down, all I really did was push it off to the side and let it simmer there. These actions resulted into me becoming an angry and tense person. Everyone around me always told me that but no one could ever fully explain why they sensed this from me. I know why now. I dont like carrying that kind of cloud over my head. I dont like confrontations but I need to learn to face and deal with things in a way that isnt confrontation. I need and want to put my guards down. No one deserves for me to have my guard up like that because of the actions of someone else. I need to learn to trust, and to trust more than just one person. I need to learn to trust myself.
Social networking, texting , aim , email has made us all forget the meaning of person to person interaction, myself being the most guilty of it. Now there’s facebook, bbm, pmessenger, ping chat and whatever else is out there to keep us from communicating face to face. We have nothing to say to each other when we’re face to face because we know every move and every place a person has been through their facebook. Being the shy person I am all this technology has made it easier for me to hide and avoid human communication as much as possible. I am making every effort for myself and my loved ones especially my family who get the worse end of my impatience to learn to communicate my feelings. It will be for the best for everyone most importantly…..me! It will be a long process and an emotional process but the people who care most will understand and support me. The people who know me and what I’ve been through will know that this will not be easy. To those I love that I have hurt, blew up on, and didnt properly communicate my feelings to I give you my sincerest apology from the deepest part of my heart, that was never my intention. To those who have hurt me and I never got to express my feelings, I will learn to deal. Until then, continue to treat others the way you want to be treated, those who hurt me….karma is a bitch. I promise, I’m trying.
The lyrics are so true too bad I’m only realizing this now
"The Love We Had Before"
I burnt the bridge that you were building But I left here feeling guilty That we couldn’t see eye to eye Why can’t we compromise? Why are we choosing sides? When will we realize?
[Chorus:] We don’t have to fight anymore Where is the love we had before? Wouldn’t the world be better off if we decide? We don’t need our pride anymore Where is the love we had before? Where is the love… Where is the love… Where is the love… The love we had before
You used to be the one I’d run to But now I tend to run you Right into the ground Sorry I was such a fool Never saw your point of view Can we start over somehow?
You know we only hurt ourselves When we don’t communicate Why can’t we stop and make a change? Where is the love? Where is the love?
Where is the love?
Where is the love we had before? Where is the love… Where is the love… Where is the love…
Joseph A. Subia You smile while lying on the ground in pain, tired, and half dead!December 4 at 8:24pm · Unlike · 1 person
Roy Rosado Collapse after a workout cuz you can’t go anymore, but see someone else still struggling and find enough energy to finish the rest of their workout with them.December 4 at 8:26pm · Unlike · 2 people
Joseph A. Subia You know what the acronyms HSPU, RFT, AMRAP, RX’d, and DNF stand for.December 4 at 8:27pm · Like
Shaza Khatib 25 people trying out for 8 slots for the games and we all cheer each other on instead of ripping out each other’s throatsDecember 4 at 8:27pm · Like · 1 person
Shaza Khatib i dont know what all those mean!!!December 4 at 8:28pm · Like
Joseph A. Subia Your hands look like you took them across a cheese grater.December 4 at 8:28pm · Like
At what point does a person go from being dedicated to being obsessed? Safe to say there is a very thin line here. Am I dedicated to crossfit because I go three-four times a week. Would you say I was obsessed because I spend every free minute there? Dedicated to my passion, when I’m at work I’m 100% fully there taking care of every patients needs to the best of my ability even if it means ultimately neglecting myself. Does that make me obsessed? Who decides the difference between my dedication and my obsession? Is it me? My coworkers? My loved ones? An ongoing battle without a single answer……
You hear it from many “People are incapable of change” I beg to differ. People are capable of change but only if they want to change for themselves. People say they will change for a loved one for the sake of saving an argument but one week or month down the line I guarantee you it will be the same issue again. If what is bothering you is a simple pet peeve and this is a person you truly care about then you need to help them understand why certain things bother you. People are incapable of change because they dont want to change. I am surrounded by people myself included who have made tremendous changes in their lives, because they wanted to change. I am surrounded by people who have lost 100 pounds and still continue to diet and exercise to become healthier. I am surrounded by people who push themselves beyond their bodies limits not because they cant accept failure but because giving up is not an option. Incapable of change you say? I say refusing to become better people. Remember to have a little faith, especially in yourself.